Is the Marriage Over? - Three Signs That Spell Divorce
Posted by admin on Mar 17, 2010
Or are you confused by the signs you are receiving? Do you know the three warning flags of divorce? If you do, you may be able to intervene before it happens.
1. Lack of Communication
Your marriage may be over if your spouse is no longer talking and sharing the way she used to. This behavior means something is going on. If it is work that is distracting the person, she will tell you and you will still have your moments of closeness. But if she wants to be left alone to watch TV, or wants to go off by herself to get lost in an activity, or prefers being with a friend instead of being with you…and she is not talking to you when she could, you need to act now. Silence will not make the two of you grow closer.
2. Finding Fault
You’ll know when your marriage is heading to “over” when he continually finds fault with you. Did your lover used to find everything perfect with you? Were you flooded with terms of endearment, words of commitment and love, and tokens of appreciation? Do you now experience a gaping distance the size of the Grand Canyon? And when your spouse speaks, is it to tell you what is wrong with you? If your lover used to find everything about you to be wonderful and now everything is awful, this is a big red flag. He or she is on a fault finding mission so he won’t feel so guilty about what he is doing or what he is about to do. Mainly…he is looking for a reason and a way out.
3. Lack of Intimacy
When a marriage is almost over, some people have reported that when their spouse was having an affair, they were having more sex at home than usual. But often, it is the other way around. Your partner may pull away, distance himself, and come up with excuses about why he doesn’t want sex. If you used to have great intimacy–hugs, kisses, sex, conversations, and hand holding, and that has faded away and is no longer the usual behavior, it means he has emotionally pulled away, and soon, may be walking out.
Is your marriage over? If any of the above three conditions exist, it probably is. Sit down and talk and try to get the person to open up. If he or she won’t, schedule an appointment with a counselor immediately. Share openly about what is going on. Do not be afraid to confront this. Living with the above three conditions can leave you stressed and make you crazy. Get some help now. You deserve it!
By: Tonja Weimer
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Divorce and Children - Different Rules, Different Homes After Divorce
Posted by admin on Mar 16, 2010
You’re divorced and you have kids. How do you handle different rules and discipline between mom’s house and dad’s house? Do you have any say about what goes on in the other parent’s home anymore?
Here’s how one of my readers expressed her frustration:
“My two children are with my ex every other weekend and they have a totally different set of rules in his house than in mine. They stay up late, eat a lot of sugar, homework never seems to get done, and they have no discipline. When they get back to my house, my children are irritable, overtired and rude. They seem to take a full day before they settle back in. What can I do?”
It’s not uncommon for the difference in parenting styles between parents to become glaringly obvious after separation. Children, depending on their age, usually do experience some transition time to get used to the unique rhythms of each household.
Ultimately, all you’re really able to control is being clear about the expectations you have for your children and being consistent with them. You have little control over what happens “over there” at your ex-partner’s house. (Unless there is reason to believe your children’s lives are being endangered, in which case you need to speak to your ex and/or call the appropriate authorities).
With the homework issue, for example, let your children know that they are responsible for getting their own homework done in time for school regardless of whether they are at mom’s or dad’s house. Teach them about the importance of good nutrition. Children figure out pretty quickly how to play one parent off the other, so let them know they have certain responsibilities they need to meet.
You can also set up a discussion with your ex to discuss the transition between houses. Approach it with the intention of seeking cooperation. Always keep your children’s best interests in mind. After all, you’re no longer married but you’ll always be parents so in the long-run you need to learn how to co-parent together.
Leave any editorializing or judgment out. For example, “Aren’t you paying any attention? These kids are cranky and running wild at your house!” is not likely to foster open dialogue.
Be factual and describe what you see. Try something like, “When the kids come back to my house, they appear overtired and don’t have their homework done. They have a hard time getting to school the next day. How can we address this issue?” This opens the door to open communication and problem-solving.
Remember, you must also be open for feedback on what’s going on at your house from your ex as well. Part of having an effective communication with your ex includes you listening.
By: Carolyn Ellis
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